My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. And not just to me and your husband. Anything! Or even more fun than you would. No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. Your first reaction is to take sides, but you realize that would be a mistake. And he doesnt have to hide that. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. That doesnt mean you cant enjoy shared interests together, but just do so as mother and daughter, not BFFs. A good game will bring out the competitiveness in everyone. So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). WTF youre her mother not her BFF get it together and help your husband round her out! J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. One thing that works is to invite a friend along because then she looks forward to the activity and has fun and at the same time she is still interacting with parents. We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do. But what I really remember is my dad listening to me tell him about whatever I was interested in. She's an active parent who enjoys indoor and outdoor adventures with her family. He needs to learn to be a bit more respectful of his daughters choices and to compromise which would be modeling good behavior for his child to learn. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia One activity we all enjoyed!!!! July 2, 2013, 1:17 pm. The thing is, what the father is doing is rude. lets_be_honest If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. Instead, try to understand why they are pulling away and what you can do to support them during this time. I think the dad most definitely needs to be happy with the daughter he has, and not spend so much energy trying to shame her into being the daughter he wants, So he should act like an adult and not take his frustration out on his daughter by telling her that her interests annoy him. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. Who knows what interests of your husbands she may learn to appreciate if she were more exposed to them. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? Sometimes those things just happen. Im from PA, and I watched entirely too much This Old House as a child. I had his favorite dinner prepared and all possible distractions blocked. Your daughter may feel like you deserve to be happy and, as a result, may want you to leave your husband if hes not making you happy. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. I cant believe you didnt address that. Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. 1. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. You got a long with him just fine before she got in to this stage in life, and you need to act like a grown-up every once in a while, because this guys is losing his wife and his daughter, partly because you want to be her friend more than her parent all of the time. Maybe not, though. But it was annoying. See a different horoscope: Select That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. lets_be_honest I was thinking this too. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. I also really enjoyed Measure of Man which was the episode where Datas humanity is put on trial. I would have been crushed if he rolled his eyes when I was excitedly talking about something. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. Also hi BGM. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. Liquid Luck Seriously. Here are eight ways to tell if your partner is harming your relationships with your family. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. My mother attended maybe a handful of my softball games in the 10 years I played competitively. You know at the beginning of the last indiana jones movie where indie comes running home and needs to ask his dad something but his dad makes him count to 10 in latin? Such is not the case if youre on the end of a crazy-making partner. Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. Last weekend she wanted to spend time just the two of us so I found a great B-and-B and set up a romantic weekend. Frankly, her interests sound pretty varied to me for 12: reading, pop culture, sci-fi, archery, piano and Broadway. MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. Unless you are from PA, of course. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm. bittergaymark If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. I know I did. Ostensibly through her mother. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. Forget it. Those twin feelings are what create the strong urge to come back with intense commitment after each escape.. Plus he writes strong female characters, which is good for any girl growing up to identify with. Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. Husbands can inadvertently drive their daughters away by overstepping boundaries, being too critical, or taking on too much control. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. Up to a point. Think of it this way: the car insurance typically follows the car, not the driver. He is also very critical of both of US You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. But he can be a great dad regardless. She is also noncompetitive. When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. I was/am (?) If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. I do understand how easily this Mom couldve gotten caught up in her ways of teaming up with the kid. But it can get super boring waiting for that to happen. But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. Well done, as always, my friend. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. Did we always get along? WWS. What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. Frankly, I dont know ANYBODY who had such strange mutual worships WITH their parents I dunno, back in the 1980s most parents were actually grown ups, I guess. Sad. When I was a kid in middle school, I clammed up and didnt develop my relationship with my parents because they were critical of my interests. One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. You are the only one who knows whats best for you and your family. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. When my family went on vacations as a kid, I didnt get a say in where we went. I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. lets_be_honest They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Mommy and daddy present a united front. i ask my son to pay 250.00 a month to pay car insurance and cell phone. However, he also needs to learn to compromise. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. Whats ok is to have a balance. I really think there might be a way for dad and daughter to meet in the middle here. July 2, 2013, 11:08 am. And then it was like ok, you dont have to do that (not that I ever DID have to, I wanted to go, and then discovered it sucked). Just. Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. Hopefully she'll see the sense in this and be able to move on. My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. The problem is that instead of at least tolerating her fangirling, my husband tends to disparage it, and roll his eyes. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. She grabs every opportunity to be near him but won't actually tell him how she feels. Hes putting her down. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. My parents are/were anti-intellectual, though, and wouldnt let me go see ballets, theatre productions, or hit up museums because I was trying to put on airs. I just dont get it. Act like one. because I think that as the teen years progress you will need some better strategies to deal with the 2 strong personalities that surround you. findingtheearth She may still resent her father and you! It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. Um, not so much. Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. I mean, maybe? Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. Making your kids do shit they dont necessarily like a lot is just life. He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. But sometimes, this relationship can be strained. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. Whether it be balance sports with history, Buffy with science, it doesnt matter. Husband treats 15 year old step son badly. WE cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if WE are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell US to stop because it annoys him. lets_be_honest Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. He may think that if she leaves the home then shell be safe from his alcoholism. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). He is into science so a consultation with a trained professional may be exactly what he needs. The fact that you cant appreciate the beauty of T-Swifts prose is mildly concerning. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. Id love to hang out with her. July 2, 2013, 3:55 pm, Damn, this is like the last thing I would think commenters would get all riled up and defensive over , 6napkinburger Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. Intelligent people can like these things but does that mean that a father should promote them? Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. Really not sure why I waited so long. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary He came home and threw his briefcase on the ground. It takes a bit of work to plan activities when she comes visit me in Chicago (my parents are happily married, but visit me separately) but we bound over food and shopping for kitchen stuff! Dad used people for his own good. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. Your email address will not be published. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. Now Im crying at my desk, for some reason. Cool! Fruits and veggies are healthier than potato chips thats a fact. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. But if she IS uninformed, then its good for him to point it out and provide her with ways to become informed. What is this site, a Masters program? Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. Last week she followed him home after classes again, even though his bus goes in the opposite direction to where she lives. I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. Game of Thrones? One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. My stepfather and my mother told me I was weird and that Id regret it because Id never be popular or normal, or get boys to like me. Its great to have an involved parent, but its also good to take a step back and take time for yourself and your marriage. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! Realize that your child does not have to like your rules, they simply need to find a way to abide by them. His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy.. Trust that Mark would have PLENTY to say if someone wrote in replacing Buffy with sports. But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. How to Convince a Senior to Stop Driving. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. I agree weddings can be stupid . (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) lets_be_honest I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. Then Id tell you to keep pushing for her to spend time with you. By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. However, if you do decide to stay together, know that its possible to overcome this obstacle and build a strong family bond. It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. I never did the gross stuff either. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. 6napkinburger And he lived 10 minutes away from us. Manage Settings Aaaaah! These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. I wanted to read 800 crappy Star Wars novels? One of my MILs (I am so lucky; I get three, FML) has a serious issue with me I mean epic butt hurt level, because I CANNOT do board games or card games. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. Ive never had anyone go, Oh my gawwwwwwd, PL, whyyyyyyyyyy? I think my dad was guilty of that sometimes and he really regrets it. Shes all the better for it. Not Ready To See You With Anyone Other Than Their Biological Father. I must just not be seeing things clearly. Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. The Inner Light Seriously. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. And, as I am sure you know from previous experience, exploding doesn't make anything better. 2.5K views, 176 likes, 19 loves, 3 comments, 12 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Inframundo Relatos: SPOTIFY:. But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled. Skyblossom So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. Exactly Lily! I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. Wendy, I too got the us against him mentality from this LW. Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. lets_be_honest Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? These dreams can also give you advice about what you need to do to steer your life in the direction you would like it to go. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. bittergaymark No. Youre mad at your dad, not at me! , so i guess it cuts both ways. We try to make it fun and do it as a family (not go to your room and read 3 Nat Geo articles and I want a full report) and often make games of it. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. He went to jail for beating up his new wife and hurting her little boy. ). He can take care of himself." Like many women,. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. Too little time to post! One teenager in the house is bad enough But TWO must be exhausting. WWS, and YOU need to stop pulling away from your husband, because he doesnt have the same interests as your daughter. For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. Get out the frying pan. lets_be_honest No. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. The comments seem to be about split on this issue. Learning about give and take in a relationship is very important for a 12 year old (who can often be very self-centered at that age) to know. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty.